Entry Date: May 10th, 2024: 1:32 AM

i feel so sad without her. i thought she said that she’d always drop everything for me no matter what but i guess not. i miss everything. i’d experience all the bad moments again if it meant i got to be with her even for a moments notice. i hope she thinks about me from time to time. in a good way of course. why did i have to mess everything up. i am unlovable to her and unable to make her happy or make her feel loved. i always mess it up. i need to take a hint after she’s played me 4 times and cheated on me. why do i love her so much after everything she’s done. it’s the purist type of love with no emotions of lust or infatuation. i love her knowing her flaws and everything that’s she hates abt me. i love her through everything more than i love myself to stop hurting myself for her. i can’t take this. i don’t know how long i can last in the summer living in isolation while she is with someone she loves. i can’t take this anymore. i wish i could kill my self and erase my whole existence from this world.

Entry Date: May 10th, 2024: 12:20 PM

broad daylight and i still think about you. every moment of the day you are present with me in my mind. i go over everything. everything good and bad. i miss it all. i will become a better version of myself this summer that is capable of your love. i pray selfishly you aren’t too far gone from me by the end of it.

Entry Date: May 11th, 2024: 3:45 AM

i turn my ringer on just in case for the 1/1000000 chance you say you want me back and everything else was just a lie. that you wanted me from the start through each time you left me. that i am your romantic soulmate and you want everyday of your future spent with me. but no text messages or calls happened. i feel a gut wrenching feeling that makes me want to throw up. how could i let you grow so far away from you my darling. goodbye forever. i agreed to everything you said knowing i might not have what it takes to live each day alone without you while you are happy with someone else. i hate myself. i don’t want to be left alone again. why does everything leave me like this.

Entry Date: May 11th, 2024

All of this no contact stuff is so hard. Every single second I am wanting to talk to you or text you about what I'm feeling, seeing, doing, and everything in between. I think of your face often. I think of your pretty smile. I think of your eyes. I think of your silky brown hair. I think of your smooth almond skin. I think of your voice. Your voice is enough to calm me down from my worse moments. It's enough to make me forget what I'm doing in the moment. I think of your laugh. I love your laugh so much. I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

The last time we hung out I had so many regrets. I wish I could've held your end. I wanted to treat every moment like it's my last moment with you, because it probably was. I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. I wanted show you the affection that I have inside me. To have showered you with kisses, and cry together about how much I miss you and how much I want you.

But I didn't do that.

The cold shell of a human that was in front of you has trouble showing emotion. It's evident why I couldn't make you feel loved. I was too much of a fool to be distracted by the thoughts going a million miles an hour in my own head thinking about how much I love you, that I couldn't even vocalize it.

I am so sorry Malena.

I'm so sorry.

Entry Date: May 13th/14th, 2024: 1:11 AM

my lack of affection stems from a lack of affection as a child. i will not be a victim of my circumstances and i will change. i know i loved malena in my mind 24/7 but she wouldn’t feel loved unless she saw it through me. this would be through things that i would think are insignificant. i struggle with showing affection because i don’t need affection to know i am loved. i need to tell her how i truthfully feel about her, like words of affirmation, what im thinking abt her at that exact moment, how she makes me feels. i need to couple this with intimacy (NOT ONLY SEX) but more so physical touch (NOT RUBBING HER HEAD IN THE SAME SPOT FOR 10 MINUTES SHE HATES IT). this physical touch could be kisses on her, hand holding, hand kissing, cuddles, hugs, and other things like this. when i stress about showing affection too much, i struggle with it and overthink. i’d spend so much time overthinking about the affection i gave her that i wouldn’t even show it. in my mind i went through every scenario of me showing affection and loving her. in reality i gave her a blank stare and a cold and dry response. another part to my affection is could be extreme aversion to admitting vulnerability or putting myself in an emotionally risky situation. it doesn’t help that i was left multiple times and cheated on, but i won’t let this stop me. i can’t keep assuming that whatever i do, she’s going leave. i am quite literally fulfilling the prophecy when doing this. what confuses me is that my affection is shown in the form of acts of kindness, reminding malena to set alarms, doing her homework or helping her study, doing things to make her life easier like cleaning her room, tucking her in, getting flowers for her often. when i think back, the amount of compliments i gave to her over text was tenfold as many times as i have in real life.

1. Words of Affirmation:
- Complimenting your her sincerely and often.
- Expressing appreciation for things she does even the small stuff.
- Sharing your feelings about her openly and regularly.
- Sending unexpected notes, texts, or emails with kind words.

2. Acts of Service:
- Doing chores or tasks for your her without them having to ask.
- Cooking a meal or bringing her breakfast in bed.
- Helping with projects or errands that are important to her.
- Taking on responsibilities that might be weighing on them.

3. Receiving Gifts:
- Giving thoughtful gifts that reflect her interests or needs.
- Making something for her, like a piece of art or a handcrafted item.
- Remembering special occasions with a gift that shows you know her well.
- Surprise gifts that can brighten her day or offer comfort.

4. Quality Time:
- Planning a special date night or day trip just to spend time together.
- Setting aside time for just the two of us without distractions.
- Engaging in activities we both enjoy or trying something new together.
- Having meaningful conversations where we both share our thoughts and feelings.

5. Physical Touch:
- Holding hands while walking or sitting together.
- Giving hugs, kisses, or cuddling on the couch.
- Being close when we’re out together, like putting your arm around them.
- Physical intimacy and ensuring it’s affectionate and attentive to her comfort and preferences.

From the list above, i’ll rate myself highly for acts of service and receiving gifts, and mid to low on everything else. this is the root of the problem that i have found, instead of going to therapy, this style of deep self reflecting has been helping me cope and heal. I also read the bible along with doing devotional to put God first and to build a stronger relationship with my faith to better make decisions in future relationships. (AKA with Malena bc she’s my loml lol). After I was left for Jack back in sophomore year of highschool, i remember a distinct night where you fell asleep on the phone with me. Over and over until I fell asleep, I read to you 1 Corinthians 13. This is known as the chapter of love in the bible. I love you despite your flaws and what you’ve done to me. I love you for the good and the bad that you are. Love will not fail, and if it failed, it wasn’t true love. If we find each other in the future it is true love. I prayed to leave it in God’s hands.

I have a king sized bed that feels so empty. I constantly wish you were here. I’m doing myself do better myself. I never want you to worry about me or be a burden onto your life. My coldness can maybe be attributed to how task oriented I am, that I see life like how I see work, school, or the gym. I realize with relationships and with you I need to keep it separated from all those other stress inducing task oriented environments. Being around you isn’t an environment like that, I need to white literally go with the flow snd relax when I’m with you. You are my peace and I treated you like you were a stress. I’m forever sorry. I will do better I promise.

Attachment styles in relationships are patterns of how individuals emotionally bond and relate to others, particularly in close relationships. These styles are rooted in early attachments with caregivers and affect relationships throughout life. There are four primary attachment styles:

1. **Secure Attachment**:
- **Characteristics**: Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. They trust others and are comfortable depending on them.
- **Example**: A person who feels confident in their relationships, communicates openly with their partner, and handles conflicts constructively without fearing the relationship's demise.

2. **Anxious Attachment** (also known as Anxious-Preoccupied):
- **Characteristics**: These individuals often seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from partners, sometimes becoming overly dependent. They tend to be very sensitive to their partners' actions and moods and often fear abandonment.
- **Example**: A person who often texts their partner to check in and feels jealous or anxious when they don’t receive immediate responses.

3. **Avoidant Attachment** (divided into Dismissive and Fearful-Avoidant):
- **Dismissive-Avoidant**:
- **Characteristics**: People with this style often desire a high level of independence, often appearing as self-sufficient and preferring to avoid close emotional connections; they often keep partners at arm’s length.
- **Example**: A person who focuses intensely on their work or hobbies and avoids discussing feelings or intimacy in their relationships.
- **Fearful-Avoidant**:
- **Characteristics**: Individuals with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships, desiring closeness but fearing trust and dependency. They often feel unworthy of love.
- **Example**: A person who desires close relationships but pulls away when things start to get intimate or emotional, fearing being hurt.

4. **Disorganized Attachment**:
- **Characteristics**: This style is marked by a lack of clear attachment behavior. Their approach to relationships can be chaotic, displaying a mix of behaviors typically associated with both anxious and avoidant styles. These behaviors often arise from past traumas or extremely inconsistent caregiving as a child.
- **Example**: A person who shows extreme mood swings, erratic behavior, or confusion about their relationships and might act inappropriately in times of distress.

I am an avoidant attachment style, and over time after you’ve left and cheated on me, I’ve added on elements of having an anxious attachment style due to the fear of losing you again. While these attachment styles aren’t set boundaries, I take a lot of features that are described in these attachment styles. The goal is to be in a secure attachment style, that is what i want. I believe working on my affection will bring me there. Here are some notes so I can work on my affection for each category type:

1. **Words of Affirmation**:
- **Practice Mindfulness**: Be more conscious of the positive things about your partner and express them. You can practice by writing down things you appreciate about them and telling them regularly.
- **Be Specific**: Instead of general compliments, focus on specific actions or traits. This shows you are paying attention and value them genuinely.
- **Use Affirmative Language**: Instead of always focusing on what you or they shouldn't do, express what you like and what makes you happy about your relationship.

2. **Acts of Service**:
- **Listen Actively**: Pay attention to when your partner mentions needing help or wanting a break from certain tasks. Step in proactively to help.
- **Make it Routine**: Incorporate small acts of service into your daily routine that specifically cater to your partner's needs.
- **Surprise Them**: Occasionally go beyond the usual to do something unexpected that will significantly lighten their load or brighten their day.

3. **Receiving Gifts**:
- **Be Thoughtful with Gifts**: Think about what your partner truly enjoys, needs, or has mentioned wanting. The thoughtfulness of the gift often matters more than the cost.
- **Keep It Regular**: It doesn’t have to be extravagant or frequent, but small, thoughtful tokens given regularly can make a big impact.
- **Personalize Gifts**: Customize gifts to add a personal touch, showing that the gift was chosen with care and thought.

4. **Quality Time**:
- **Plan Dedicated Time**: Make it a priority to spend quality time together. Plan these moments like you would any other important event.
- **Minimize Distractions**: During your time together, focus on being fully present. This might mean putting away phones or turning off the TV.
- **Engage in Mutual Activities**: Find activities that you both enjoy or take turns choosing what to do together. 5. **Physical Touch**:
- **Increase Daily Contact**: Small gestures like a touch on the arm, a pat on the back, or a gentle hug can increase feelings of closeness.
- **Respect Comfort Levels**: Always be mindful of how comfortable your partner is with physical contact and respect their boundaries.
- **Integrate Touch Naturally**: Make physical affection a natural part of your interaction, such as greeting them with a hug or kiss.

A very important thing is to be AUTHENTIC when doing all of this. Don’t just BS something I’ve written down when I don’t truly mean it. I know Malena would say that it is forced, and if i really loved her then I would’ve of done it without asking. My response would be is that i’m doing all of this BECAUSE i love you so much. I am willing and ready to change. Even if she doesn’t take me back ever this is change I need to go through.

5/14/24 4:02 PM my parents have noticed i’m eating less and my mom asks me what i eat constantly i cant get comfortable in the relationship 5/14/24 8:30 PM right across it the mma gym i trialed there’s a fair set up. it instantly made me think of you. 2022 and 2023 we went to the rodeo together, 2022 we weren’t even dating and you were still fucking ali unbeknownst to me. us going to the rodeo in 2022 made me so happy. i was constantly cheesing, holding he hand, giving you kisses. i loved that whole day. 2023 we went to the rodeo together again, although there were other people there, i enjoyed every second with you. except when mustafa was there… lol. 2024 i was hoping we could go to the rodeo and rekindle our relationship, instead you started your relationship with someone else. i found out through stalking that you went without me even though you told me you would let me know when you go. i hate looking at any kind of fair now. i dread the rodeo. for me to heal i need to process my feelings. i need to feel exactly what i feel. i can’t just push it off with other hobbies and distract myself all the time. i stopped in the parking to feel this. i’d do it all over again if it meant i could have moments with you. i miss you malena. i hope you’re doing well. i pray for you. i am working on being more of myself: being more honest and showing what i feel, in a good way of course. i love you malena. i’ve been more okay with how i feel. if i am sad i will sit down and be sad without trying to fight it and force myself to be happy. i haven’t even started work yet and it feels like i’ve been isolated from everyone for forever. i want you malena. i want you at the right time. obviously now isn’t the right time because we haven’t changed. you’re the kind of girl that people wait for. other people might have had your body or your attention, but your heart belongs to me. i need to learn to control my lust. when i am around you i get very turned on because you are super hot. but any relationship filled with lust will not last. hard to call it a relationship. 5/14/24 11:12 PM malena, i’ll forever choose you. i have fallen in love with you. that includes all of your perfections and imperfections. i have falles in love with your imperfections. i wouldn’t change a single thing about you. the day that i realize i won’t ever truly move on and forget you, is the day i move forward, discarding pieces of you from my life is like discarding pieces of myself. you have shaped me forever. 5/15/24 10:44 PM today was my first day at work, i couldn’t sleep last night bc i was thinking about you. i wish i had to quietly wake up and get ready for work so i wouldn’t wake you up. but alas… i think you’ll be proud of me. i think you would’ve liked my outfit. i wanted to show you pretty bad but you sad emergencies only. work was long and boring and i thought of you most of the time. everyday this summer you will be on my mind. maybe you were my soulmate but i wasn’t yours. like we were caught in some sick love triangle where only i suffer and you succeed. i wish you can look at me know and be proud. i hope we can talk soon. i miss you. i went to an mma gym and trained bjj and muay thai, i was pretty bad but training made me feel better. i wasn’t constantly thinking about you. goodnight baby, please come home soon. may 19th 10:55 am everyone you entertain after me will have to know me to understand you. may 19th 10.29 pm i suddenly found myself being more comfortable the last few days. not writing as much, missing workouts for no good reason other than “i’m tired”. breaking no contact just because i wanted to talk to you. but you ended up shutting it down shortly after. i don’t blame you. tomorrow will begin my routine again. i need to feel the feeling rather than just drowning them with short form media and staring at your linkedin photo for 24 minutes. i will start reading more. i will workout more. i will self reflect and write my thoughts to discover more of myself and why i act the way i do. this is a healing process and what better time to do this than now. i know i will regret it if i get to the end of summer and made no progress on myself just to see you again happy with your boyfriend. i still miss you of course. i wonder if you miss me. you probably don’t because you said you don’t want me romantically. it’s ok. i understand. the purest form of love i can provide to you right now is to leave you alone and allow happiness to come into your life. my wifi hasn’t been working well at the hotel so i don’t know when this will get uploaded to the website. 5/20/24 8:21 am i went to the gym this morning before work. it started off well. then i started thinking about you. today seems like a rough day. i feel terrible 5/20/24 10:24 pm even after training, i still thought about you. stalked you and almost broke no contact. bi need to find a way to stop stalking you bc i’m just going to get my heart broken. people are looking at me more. they look at me when i talk. when they laugh i see all the eyes on me even though i haven’t said anything. people point out my muscles and how good i look. it feels different. people want to be friends with me. 5/2125 3:26pm i can’t listen to any music or consume and media that talks abt women. all i think of is you and it makes me sad. 5/22/24 2:17 pm it’s to tempting to stalk you. paula posted u and u looked sooooo good. but it brings me back to peace when i think that God took my out of your life so you can experience better. and i’m okay with that. God has plans for us and i trust in then 5/22/24 10:46pm today went by faster, robbed some friends in poker during our 1 hour lunch break, coded parts of a practice website, and scrolled through tik tok. i can’t read the book you recommended me because it just reminds me of you too much. i’m sorry. i’m going to austin this week to surprise visit dylan for his birthday. i hope that takes my mind off things for a bit. 5/23/24 3:47 pm we are soulmates. we will find out way back to each other. it is our destiny. 5/23/24 6:21 pm thinking about you and how you don’t want me and you want someone else makes me so sick to my stomach to the point where i am gagging and throwing up. i have never felt like this before. you have power over me that you have no clue that you had. if only you could see my thoughts you’d see how much you mean to me. 5:26:24 6:17 pm this past weekend i’ve been in austin. even when im throwing up from being crossed and trying to forget you, you are in my mind always. you are probably dating him now bc u said by the time u go to ecuador. i hope you come back. and when you come back, i hope you come home to a redecorated place, not ashes. i hope in all the joy and good moments you have with him, i am always present in your mind, like a nagging mind in your thought that will never go away. you are mine and i am yours. 5/27/24 3:00 am my silence is my only power between us. i’m sorry. i loved you the hardest i can in the way i know best, im sorry it wasn’t enough. i’ll wait for you. i never want to make you feel how i feel now, seeing you happily moved on. so i’ll wait for you. or do you care so little about me that i don’t exist anymore. but to me you are everything. i have thrown up from how terrible i feel that you don’t want me anymore. you are the only person with the power to make me sob in the stall of a bar when im supposed to be celebrating my close friends 21st.